Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Not Available in Packets 

As has been the case in trying times throughout history, one condiment stands proudly above the rest, the red viscosity of freedom oozing from every bottlecap, as the philosophy of equality oozed from the mouth of Thomas Jefferson. Yes, ketchup has always been there, and will be there, to point us in the right direction. These times are no different. Just when you thought that most favored topping had gone to the loony left, here comes W Ketchup, the freest tomato product in the world.

The leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but has 57 foreign factories as well. W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American.

In side-by-side taste tests of five leading brands, we found that W Ketchup is second to none. You'll never go back to Heinz again!

Choose Heinz and you're supporting Teresa Heinz and her liberal causes, such as Kerry for President.

Choose W Ketchup and you support the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund, which provides scholarships to the children of our brave heroes who have fallen in battle.

A portion of every W Ketchup sale is donated to the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund, which provides scholarships for the children of active duty service members killed in the line of duty.

This is easily the most patriotic ketchup any of us have ever seen. Hands down. Bar none. Seriously. For real. And not only that, this Freedom Alliance Scholarship was founded by Lt. Col. Oliver North (!) a real, ketchuppy freedom fighter! He was even willing to shred apart the Constitution to defend America and sell weapons to one of its arch enemies! And now children whose parents die in the illegal wars in that part of the world can get some money for school.

Wow. Just slather that All-American W. Ketchup all over your hot freedom fries, get in your car that cost $45 dollars to fill, drive to the Wal Mart where all the products are made overseas, pick up an American flag, tie it to your car's roof and desecrate it, go home and watch the Fox News Channel, which is owned by a foreigner, make love to your spouse, have a child, vote Republican, watch as the draft is reinstated, support another war in the middle east, send your child off, cry at the funeral, and then watch proudly as your grandchild gets some money for college. Tomatoes truly are the most magical fruit.

PS. Thanks Pat.


Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels 

Let's do keep an eye out for anything sneaky by the Republicans and corporatists, and, most likely, reptillian, baby-eaters running our country this election. They've already warned that it could be "disrupted" from freedom-haters (notice that doesn't exclude they themselves), and we know all about electronic voting and overly enthusiastic ineligible voter rolls. It's also been batted around that Cheney could step down -- for health reasons, of course -- and be replaced by some All-American hero like Rudolph Giuliani or something. NowDamfacrats suggests Tommy Franks is in line for that post. Vewy intewesting.


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